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Having mucked up my system fairly... horridly, I just want to get my system back to a fresh install state, where I have absolutely no leftovers from my current state, including packages, configs, users, and so forth. Problem is, I just don't have a usb flash drive [etc] handy.

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Also look at this script. – Danatela Apr 8 '14 at 6:28

What about running this in terminal:

sudo apt-get install --reinstall ubuntu-desktop

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