Big "thank-you" Rod Smith and Web-E... and the many Bothans who died to bring us this information. Er... link:
Just to clarify for anybody else who may gloss over reading their responses and think what I thought ("But I already tried 12.10 64 bit installation!") the distribution linked above is different! It is the 12.10 64-bit "secure boot remix" of Ubuntu. Which apparently not too many people know about... ~3000 downloads according to Sourceforge.
Sidenote: this issue was made a million times more frustrating by the monopoly that upgrade/beta Windows 8-related forum posts have on relevant keywords one looks up when researching this problem... too bad they have had many months to acquire traffic/rank. OEM copies of Windows 8 present different completely different problems... anyway if the above links don't fix your issue definitely consider parsing troubleshooting queries by date to get relevant information!
Anyway, good luck. You're gonna need it...